By Foster Neill


It’s the end of the term so you’re confused. After all, you’re not always the
best at recognizing what’s bothering you. It’s finals, not your friends. If you
stick to your work and you’ll be free from stress and able to enjoy the company
of your friends before you leave.

Steady work could earn you time for a surprise date. Hope it’s your course
work instead of your FWSP job that’s keeping you so busy. Continue reading Horoscopes

Horoscopes 10.20.06


Feeling a little sentimental these days, Capricorn? Maybe wondering whether or not you’re in love? Do you feel like you’ve met the love of your life, and that person makes your heart skip a beat? Oh Capricorn, get your head out of the clouds and your feet back on the ground. Love is a great thing, but can you really handle with the heartbreak right now? There’s time for love later in your life, besides, we know you secretly make out with your senior project. I mean, I know I do…not…er…

Tarot Card: Two of Cups – I want to share the rest of my life with you and only you!!! Slow down Capricorn, you have a tendency to try and move to the next level before it’s time.


I can see clearly now, the rain of squirrels pelting me with nuts is gone. Hey Aquarius, all those problems you thought you had, those weren’t so bad now were they? Didn’t I tell you life would be okay? So your cat died this week, but maybe you’ve got a special someone in your life, and if they aren’t special yet maybe they will be. Try not to focus on the dark times in the past, look towards the potentially blindingly bright ones in the future.

Tarot Card: Six of Swords – Back in my day we had to swim through eel-infested waters and fight off ginormous rats, why are you complaining about a twohour ride in a leaky boat?


Have you stepped through the looking glass recently? It may seem that way. Your life might be smoke and mirrors, but you have more sensory organs than your eyes…and I so wasn’t talking about that so put it away, Pisces. In fact, you may want to put it away for this week until you figure out exactly what it is you want from those ever so complicated personal relationships that you always have. Pisces have not known which tail to eat first since the beginning of time. Your friends may have opinions, might be time to listen to them even if you decide not to take it.

Tarot Card: King of Swords – I think I know what’s going on, but let me talk to my advisors first. That’s the first good idea you’ve had all term, nice going.


And there was much rejoicing throughout the land!!! You seem to be in a much better mood than you’ve been in for a while, go with it. Believe it or not you work better in a good mood so you might be able to get that five-page paper done much quicker than you would have otherwise. Then you can go out and party with the best of them.

Tarot Card: Three of Cups – We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind. This Safety Dance has been sponsored by CG and the manufacturer of Trojan condoms…but not really.


You and Gemini have swapped positions. You’re the one feeling tied down by life, work, and everything else this week. When’s the last time you had a vacation? No really. We’ll miss you for the week/end you’re gone, but then maybe you’ll be less cranky when you get back. Bring me back a t-shirt, preferably black. Or, ya know, at least a pretty rock. Tarot Card: Eight of Swords – Guh, I’ll never get out of this place! Have you tried recently?


It seems like you have quite a few challenges facing you this week. Behind door number one is doom and destruction, and door number too is a vat of acid. You cannot win Gemini, not as long as I write the horoscopes. But actually, your challenges will give you a good chance for some positive, if slightly painful learning experiences. Make sure your claws are properly sharpened before opening any unmarked doors; those are usually the ones with aggressive monsters.

Tarot Card: Seven of Cups (reversed) – So many monsters, so little XP and treasure, but I have to kill them to get to the stuff that’s worth killing.


You suddenly have a great deal of ambition this week. That hard shell of yours isn’t soft-boiled after all, at least not yet anyway. Your desire to take on new projects this week may leave you overwhelmed in the future. So make sure you’re only taking on relatively short term projects, or at least things that you know you’ll be able to finish. And if you don’t follow my advice, don’t come sidling up to me expecting a hug or moral support. I prefer my clothing not to be covered in someone else’s mucus, thanks.

Tarot Card: Nine of Cups – You ever been so satisfied, but you go for that extra piece of cheesecake anyway? Do you remember regretting that decision? Go ahead and take the cheesecake, but put it in the mini-ridge for later, otherwise it’s stuffed crab puffs for horoscope-writing Capricorn later.


You’re ready to leave this stinkin’ place already and you’re going to make a noise about it, dammit. The college sucks, your classes suck, your job sucks, your girlfriend(s)/boyfriend(s) suck in a bad way and life sucks. Pout, pout, pout. Social pressures at Antioch getting you down, thinking about ending it all and moving off to bigger and better things, like OSU? Make a deal with a Capricorn, give me your stuff and I’ll sell it for 100% profit, but at least you won’t have to deal with it, or Antioch, anymore.

Tarot Card: Eight of Cups – I’m sick and tired and I’m not going to take it anymore! Don’t let the door smack you on the way out, and if it does, make sure it hits the flesh parts – it’s just more enjoyable that way.


Who do you think you are, a Capricorn? No one said you could try to out do anyone this week, but damned if you aren’t going to try anyway. Considering the influence of the stars and all that mystical crap I’m writing about, you may even succeed. Who knows, you could win my grudging respect at something or other. Yay, Virgo, yay.

Tarot Card: Five of Swords – Hey guys, look how many swords I can carry, can you carry this many, hey…hey guys…where are you going?


This term is going fast, and what have you achieved recently? Every time you try to accomplish something it seems like there’s no time for it. It’s all part of the philosophical phenomena known as Being Towards Death. Try not to get so caught up in how little time you have left and more on what you’ve already done. It will at least be some comfort until this overwhelming feeling passes.

Tarot Card: Knight of Swords – Time’s flying by, if I ride faster I might be able to catch up. *die*


Scorpio has been asking me for a good horoscope for weeks. Can’t say I’ve got good news for you this week either, sorry kids. You’ve got a burden to bear and no one in sight to pawn it off on. Luckily your back seems pretty strong these days and it’s nothing you can’t handle. But don’t forget to take a break and take care of yourself every now and again. Hey, I hear they’re doing massage in Wellness now, ever considered getting a quick rub down between study sessions?

Tarot Card: Ten of Wands – All these damned lab classes I’m taking, no time for my own pleasure. My woes line up like bottles of wine on my dresser and I’ll never be able to sell these books back for anything remotely close to what I paid for them, and that God awful Capricorn keeps writing me bad horoscopes!


Way to go Sagittarius. This week you’ll be able to get along with people you never thought you would get along with. A little domestic harmony coming your way perhaps? That person in your hall that you’ve hated all term, you know the one, might actually make some concessions about their asshole-ishness. Not rubbing it in their face, no matter how much the Leo deserves it, won’t help you maintain this new found eased social tension. So just go with the flow and start from this week without focusing on the horrific awkwardness earlier in the term.

Tarot Card: Six of Cups – So…you wanna be my friend? But…I thought you hated me. Nah, I’m just a huge dork. Yes you are, Sagittarius.

Horrorscopes 10-13-06

By request, a very special Horoscope for this week’s edition of the Record. Ladies, Gentleman, and Gender-Neutral or Othered persons, I bring you…Horrorscopes. Yes, I predict your death for my general amusement and your torment. Just try not to die this week; I’d rather not get sued.

Heart Heart, Amy Campbell, Horrorscope writer and mysterious mystic – haunting Main Building since Summer 2005.

*Please note that this week’s horoscopes are completely satire and I hold no malice towards anyone, nor am I plotting or actually predicting anyone’s death. Anyone who dies under such circumstances does so completely by coincidence, and not through my actions of writing a horoscope.


Life is a bitter pill to swallow, good thing death also comes in convenient pill sized form as well. Have you considered hemlock? I hear all the cool kids are doing it.

Tarot Card: Five of Cups – Suicide via imbibing or consuming of liquids or pills. You may be so incompetent that it’s an accidental suicide where you’ve participated in reckless behavior that you damned well know would get you killed.


Surprise!!! You’re dead!!! Your death will be totally random and quite unexpected. ComCil might have something to do with it, and it will probably be a totally arbitrary decision. Don’t blame me when someone stabs you with a protractor. You probably deserved it.

Tarot Card: Wheel of Fortune – Death by circumstance, don’t walk in front of Twinkie trucks or participate in Breath-play with a chicken anytime soon.


You can sleep when you’re dead. Until then, if you sleep the clowns will come into your room, and begin gnawing on your body until you die if you sleep. Needless to say, you’ll die of insomnia, but only after you go crazy and take your friends with you.

Tarot Card: Nine of Swords – When will this nightmare end?! Four years, maybe five, you’ll get your degree eventually.


*Crush* Your heart is broken. You become extremely morose and die because you refuse to leave your room to eat, bathe, or use the restroom. I hope you live off campus, like we need more haunted rooms.

Tarot Card: Three of Swords – Life isn’t worth living without love, so I’m going to lock myself away and listen to sad love songs until I die.


You’ll die on your way to co-op or vacation. That’s right, as soon as you get the hell away from Antioch you will keel over. Might as well stay here and rot.

Tarot Card: Six of Swords – Row, row, row your boat *glub, glub, glub*


You’ll be kidnapped. Unfortunately you aren’t worth much so your wallet will be stolen and they’ll throw you in a ditch somewhere in the hills of Tennessee where no one will ever find you. You’ll crawl around in the wilderness for awhile until a vulture eats your liver. Maybe you’ll fall off a cliff first if you’re lucky.

Tarot Card: Eight of Swords – Tied up and thrown away like a bag of garbage.


Somebody gets so sick and tired of your whining that they stab you in the back, multiple times. No one goes to your funeral, and no one cries.

Tarot Card: Ten of Swords – [think Psycho shower scene]


Like Gemini, you get to die tied up. Unfortunately it’ll probably involve some rather inconvenient circumstances, like dying during kinky sex. There’s no way your parents will be able to take this news, so not only will you die, but your father will have a heart attack and your mother will probably have an aneurysm.

Tarot Card: The Devil – Death by Lust. Makes you wish you weren’t such a pansexual, talk about embarrassing obituaries. And you thought your horoscopes were ba-a-a-a-d.


You’ll die peacefully in your sleep, because you led an uneventful life. Loser.

Tarot Card: Four of Swords – I heard Virgo McVirgin died this week. Who was that? Dunno, who cares. Wanna crash the funeral? Sweet!


Don’t fall down!!! You’ll die by falling, probably while you’re telling someone not to fall down. Hopefully it won’t be on your birthday. On a related note, tell Joe Cali Happy Birthday on the 17th, and tell him not to fall down.

Tarot Card: The Tower – Cause I’m freeeeeee, freeeee falling.


You’ll maim yourself horribly and end up bleeding out by the side of the road or getting a serious infection. I recommend not taking up bungee jumping, sword play, or fire eating. Ever.

Tarot Card: Five of Swords – Don’t cry for me, some people have a thing for amputees. Oh god… why is it green and smelly?


You’ve got a battle to fight and you’re going to rush off to your death to fight it! Dying for a cause, how romantic. Hope it’s worth it.

Tarot Card: Knight of Swords – I’m going to save Antioch by strapping a bomb to my chest. *Ka- Boom!*

Horoscopes 09.15.06

By Amy Campbell

That’s right, I put Capricorn on top, because we‘re all goal
driven and what not. That and I like being able to find my
horoscope easily. Capricorn, dear fellow Capricorn, please,
please, please stop working so hard. I know that laying doom
and destruction upon all your fellow classmates makes an
excellent step ladder from corpses, but slow down and stop
to enjoy the mushrooms that sprout from all the fertilizer
you’re leaving behind. Don’t get so bogged down in work
that you can’t dig your way out of it. Let’s recreate, baby.
Also, you might have had a little fun last weekend, try not
to feel guilty about it, Antioch ain’t the Catholic church,
nor is it academic purgatory (unless you‘re a fifth year).
Tarot Card for this week: The Empress – in touch
with your own nature, but more in control than subject
to it. You have a wealth of knowledge and tend to
use it for everyone’s benefit, but only if they ask for it.

Dammit Aquarius, why can’t you get your life together? This
week might start with a surprise, hopefully it isn’t waking up
to an unexpected bed partner. Although your outlook for a
tasty fling is possible, but you may want to take a page from
Capricorn and plan for these things. You’ll be more productive
in the middle of the week than at the beginning or the end,
probably because of your hormones. Buy yourself a day planner
and stick to it. I know you’re an air sign, as crazy as that is
being a WATER-bearer, but it’s no excuse – do your homework.
Tarot Card for this week: The Moon – been distracted much?
Stop howling at the moon or those lobsters will bite your ass
and you’ll never get where you’re going. No really. Lobsters.
Big ones. I bought ten of them and I know where you live.

Okay Pisces, I know you had a bad time this summer, but
get out there and meet some people! You’re a first year,
or you’re an upperclassman who hasn’t met the ass-ton of
first years on campus yet. No whining about how hard it is
to make friends. Maybe if you turn up the charm that we
all know you have you’ll make some new friends to make
up for the hard time you’ve been having with your social
life recently. Blah, blah, blah, is all I hear, stop shouting at
the paper, it cares as much as I do. You’ll thank me later.
PS: Potential cuddling, snuggling, and nuzzling
if that’s a motivator for you.
Tarot Card for this week: The Hierophant
– you’re so far away on that throne. Why don’t you
step down and join the rest of us for awhile?
Aries, you’re such a speed demon, but this week you’ll be
slowed down a bit. Don’t worry, this is temporary and pace
will pick up again in a few days. In the meantime you should
be gathering your thoughts, maybe put that cell phone down
and go out and enjoy the weather. Try not to get too caught up
looking ahead, you’ll miss something in the present that will be
worth catching. If you get offended this week, you’re probably
over-reacting a bit. Take the time to sit down with whoever
offended you and have a <3 to <3. Chances are they didn’t mean it the way it came out, especially if it’s an overloud Capricorn. Tarot Card for this week: The Fool - You’re too busy looking up where it’ll do you no good. Take a look around and start noticing what’s going on around you and your immediate future rather than way off in space. Trust me, the next step is a doozy, you’ll need to be prepared for it, but you’re not going to know what to do if you don’t know what’s going on now. TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20) It’s all about money, and how you don’t know how to spend it properly. You’ll probably get a wad of cash from your parents and blow it on something frivolous. And you know what, that’s okay. Depending on what it is. Try to make purchases that will last, that way if you regret it later you can always Ebay it. If you haven’t picked up a FWSP or IWSP job yet, now might be the time. I hear rumor they need a couple of down to earth people in housing and the bookstore, but that’s only from a little genie who floats around campus so don’t quote me on that one. Buying a Capricorn a drink at a party is always a fruitful investment, unless they have a Virgo Ascendant. You may also seem a little homesick and stuck right now. Tough it out, it’ll get better, and if not you can always transfer next term. Tarot Card for this week: Eight of Swords - help, help, I’m being oppressed! GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 21) I was given permission by the editors to be outright mean to Gemini’s in writing my horoscopes. Unfortunately, you guys have it pretty good this week. You need to stop feeding the rumor mill though, it has enough help without you. Do us all a favor and keep your lips closed until you’re sure about what’s going on. This isn’t to say you should be social, in fact social interactions are pretty beneficial this week. Just ask for clarification rather than running around spouting stuff you don’t know anything about. Take some time to get to know a stranger, and I don’t mean in the carnal sense, unless that floats your boat. Tarot Card for this week: Two of Pentacles - what personality do I want to present to the world today and how will I get away with having multiple personalities? Get real, Gemini. No, I mean it. CANCER (JUNE 22 - JULY 22) Are we thinking about dropping out, becoming an alcoholic, changing majors (again), transferring, dropping a class, taking an academic leave? Yes, we are, Cancer. Don’t worry, I don’t think less of you. You’ve had a little help in this area. You’ve been talking to embittered fourth years again. Try not to let their opinion influence you too much. You’ll have enough trouble trying to sort out what you actually want to do, both in the near future and in your life in general. Now might not be the time to take advice from other people, unless maybe it’s your academic advisor. Remember, nobody likes a quitter, especially if you don’t give two weeks notice. Tarot Card for this week: Page of Pentacles (reversed) - things are more complicated than they appear, especially the transfer process. Think about what you really want to do before acting rashly (and about that rash…ew). LEO (JULY 23-AUGUST 22) Blah, blah, blah. Yes we all know how important you think you are, Leo. But really, once you shave off that mane you’re just another big cat…with claws…and teeth. Whatever it is you’re roaring about probably isn’t important, at least not to other people. Make sure people care if you want them to listen to you, otherwise don’t get offended when they tune you out. It’s not you, it’s just that you’re talking about something really boring. Stop it. Don’t worry though, you’ll be soaked with sun-shiny rays of positivity and joy. Try not to be too annoying to your more cynical friends. I mean, it’s good to see you in a good mood, but too much is too much. Even when the glass is half full, it still means you have to go back to the drink machines in the middle of your meal at the Caf. Try and write something, like those two papers due this week. Tarot Card for this week: The Star - Let the good times roll, but try to add to those good times rather than spilling milk. VIRGO (AUGUST 23-SEPTEMBER 22) Work, work, work. You’ll most likely be editing your paper for the third time or cleaning your room for the tenth time this term. Unfortunately, these will probably be distractions from things you actually need to be doing, like editing the Record. Try to make sure your super powers of anal retention are put towards things that actually need to be done. If you need more to do, come find me, I’ve got plenty of suggestions for things that need to be done on campus. Oh yeah, and if you wanna clean my room, I’m looking for a pool boy. Try not to forget to celebrate your birthday, and for god’s sake let someone else plan it this year. Tarot Card for this week: Nine of Cups - so much to do, I can’t pick what I should do first! Oh, I know, first I’ll arrange them by size, then shape, then color! No wait, now they’re all different heights! Enough with the OCD, ignore the vessel and just tackle the problem already. LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23-OCTOBER 22) You might want to go out and buy a black hoodie if you don’t already have one and put on your saddest, most pathetic music. That’s right, you’re going into emo-mode. Mostly you’ll just be overly reflective. I hope you’re taking Epistemology this term, at least then you’ll have an excuse for the moping. Luckily your scales will tip often enough that you’ll have some good times this week too. Tarot Card this week: Ace of Cups (reversed) - I am a fountain overflowing with joy. This happiness will never cease. SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23-NOVEMBER 21) Scorpio, get out of that dank dark hole you live in and resolve that issue with Cancer or Leo you have already. Chances are you’re being a jerk anyway and you need to apologize. I mean, I know Cancer and Leo can be annoying, but so can you. Grow a backbone before you become a squishy mess on someone’s shoe, otherwise you’ll miss out on some great opportunities, unless you enjoy being scraped off of someone’s shoe. Oh yeah, and at some point you have to leave Antioch, even if you know you‘re not ready yet. I know it’s as dark and dank as any hole and here they think it’s cool that you glow in black light, but if you don’t change holes some other Scorpion will come by and drag you out by the tail. Tell me Scorpio, if you’re flipped on your back and held down, do you have any choice but to sting yourself? Tarot Card this week: Three of Cups (reversed) - you’re having such a good time that you forgot to realize that this isn’t fun anymore! SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22- DECEMBER 21) Mood swings again Sagittarius? Maybe it’s time to take a break from Pisces and Aquarius and hang out with a more stable sign. You’ll be discussing philosophy at some point during this week, whether you recognize it or not. It seems that you’ll just need different things at different times. If something’s not working for you at the moment go do something else and come back to it. No point in stripping screws just because you’re frustrated. I recommend not putting together IKEA furniture this weekend, or ever really. Tarot Card this week: The High Priestess - something isn’t right, you just don’t know what. Try listening to that feeling and avoiding people and situations that make you uncomfortable. Next week may be better for confrontations.