By request, a very special Horoscope for this week’s edition of the Record. Ladies, Gentleman, and Gender-Neutral or Othered persons, I bring you…Horrorscopes. Yes, I predict your death for my general amusement and your torment. Just try not to die this week; I’d rather not get sued.
Heart Heart, Amy Campbell, Horrorscope writer and mysterious mystic – haunting Main Building since Summer 2005.
*Please note that this week’s horoscopes are completely satire and I hold no malice towards anyone, nor am I plotting or actually predicting anyone’s death. Anyone who dies under such circumstances does so completely by coincidence, and not through my actions of writing a horoscope.
CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19)
Life is a bitter pill to swallow, good thing death also comes in convenient pill sized form as well. Have you considered hemlock? I hear all the cool kids are doing it.
Tarot Card: Five of Cups – Suicide via imbibing or consuming of liquids or pills. You may be so incompetent that it’s an accidental suicide where you’ve participated in reckless behavior that you damned well know would get you killed.
AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18)
Surprise!!! You’re dead!!! Your death will be totally random and quite unexpected. ComCil might have something to do with it, and it will probably be a totally arbitrary decision. Don’t blame me when someone stabs you with a protractor. You probably deserved it.
Tarot Card: Wheel of Fortune – Death by circumstance, don’t walk in front of Twinkie trucks or participate in Breath-play with a chicken anytime soon.
PISCES (FEBRUARY 19-MARCH 20)
You can sleep when you’re dead. Until then, if you sleep the clowns will come into your room, and begin gnawing on your body until you die if you sleep. Needless to say, you’ll die of insomnia, but only after you go crazy and take your friends with you.
Tarot Card: Nine of Swords – When will this nightmare end?! Four years, maybe five, you’ll get your degree eventually.
ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19)
*Crush* Your heart is broken. You become extremely morose and die because you refuse to leave your room to eat, bathe, or use the restroom. I hope you live off campus, like we need more haunted rooms.
Tarot Card: Three of Swords – Life isn’t worth living without love, so I’m going to lock myself away and listen to sad love songs until I die.
TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20)
You’ll die on your way to co-op or vacation. That’s right, as soon as you get the hell away from Antioch you will keel over. Might as well stay here and rot.
Tarot Card: Six of Swords – Row, row, row your boat *glub, glub, glub*
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 21)
You’ll be kidnapped. Unfortunately you aren’t worth much so your wallet will be stolen and they’ll throw you in a ditch somewhere in the hills of Tennessee where no one will ever find you. You’ll crawl around in the wilderness for awhile until a vulture eats your liver. Maybe you’ll fall off a cliff first if you’re lucky.
Tarot Card: Eight of Swords – Tied up and thrown away like a bag of garbage.
CANCER (JUNE 22 – JULY 22)
Somebody gets so sick and tired of your whining that they stab you in the back, multiple times. No one goes to your funeral, and no one cries.
Tarot Card: Ten of Swords – [think Psycho shower scene]
LEO (JULY 23-AUGUST 22)
Like Gemini, you get to die tied up. Unfortunately it’ll probably involve some rather inconvenient circumstances, like dying during kinky sex. There’s no way your parents will be able to take this news, so not only will you die, but your father will have a heart attack and your mother will probably have an aneurysm.
Tarot Card: The Devil – Death by Lust. Makes you wish you weren’t such a pansexual, talk about embarrassing obituaries. And you thought your horoscopes were ba-a-a-a-d.
VIRGO (AUGUST 23-SEPTEMBER 22)
You’ll die peacefully in your sleep, because you led an uneventful life. Loser.
Tarot Card: Four of Swords – I heard Virgo McVirgin died this week. Who was that? Dunno, who cares. Wanna crash the funeral? Sweet!
LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23-OCTOBER 22)
Don’t fall down!!! You’ll die by falling, probably while you’re telling someone not to fall down. Hopefully it won’t be on your birthday. On a related note, tell Joe Cali Happy Birthday on the 17th, and tell him not to fall down.
Tarot Card: The Tower – Cause I’m freeeeeee, freeeee falling.
SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23-NOVEMBER 21)
You’ll maim yourself horribly and end up bleeding out by the side of the road or getting a serious infection. I recommend not taking up bungee jumping, sword play, or fire eating. Ever.
Tarot Card: Five of Swords – Don’t cry for me, some people have a thing for amputees. Oh god… why is it green and smelly?
SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22- DECEMBER 21)
You’ve got a battle to fight and you’re going to rush off to your death to fight it! Dying for a cause, how romantic. Hope it’s worth it.
Tarot Card: Knight of Swords – I’m going to save Antioch by strapping a bomb to my chest. *Ka- Boom!*