CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19)
Feeling a little sentimental these days, Capricorn? Maybe wondering whether or not you’re in love? Do you feel like you’ve met the love of your life, and that person makes your heart skip a beat? Oh Capricorn, get your head out of the clouds and your feet back on the ground. Love is a great thing, but can you really handle with the heartbreak right now? There’s time for love later in your life, besides, we know you secretly make out with your senior project. I mean, I know I do…not…er…
Tarot Card: Two of Cups – I want to share the rest of my life with you and only you!!! Slow down Capricorn, you have a tendency to try and move to the next level before it’s time.
AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18)
I can see clearly now, the rain of squirrels pelting me with nuts is gone. Hey Aquarius, all those problems you thought you had, those weren’t so bad now were they? Didn’t I tell you life would be okay? So your cat died this week, but maybe you’ve got a special someone in your life, and if they aren’t special yet maybe they will be. Try not to focus on the dark times in the past, look towards the potentially blindingly bright ones in the future.
Tarot Card: Six of Swords – Back in my day we had to swim through eel-infested waters and fight off ginormous rats, why are you complaining about a twohour ride in a leaky boat?
PISCES (FEBRUARY 19-MARCH 20)
Have you stepped through the looking glass recently? It may seem that way. Your life might be smoke and mirrors, but you have more sensory organs than your eyes…and I so wasn’t talking about that so put it away, Pisces. In fact, you may want to put it away for this week until you figure out exactly what it is you want from those ever so complicated personal relationships that you always have. Pisces have not known which tail to eat first since the beginning of time. Your friends may have opinions, might be time to listen to them even if you decide not to take it.
Tarot Card: King of Swords – I think I know what’s going on, but let me talk to my advisors first. That’s the first good idea you’ve had all term, nice going.
ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19)
And there was much rejoicing throughout the land!!! You seem to be in a much better mood than you’ve been in for a while, go with it. Believe it or not you work better in a good mood so you might be able to get that five-page paper done much quicker than you would have otherwise. Then you can go out and party with the best of them.
Tarot Card: Three of Cups – We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind. This Safety Dance has been sponsored by CG and the manufacturer of Trojan condoms…but not really.
TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20)
You and Gemini have swapped positions. You’re the one feeling tied down by life, work, and everything else this week. When’s the last time you had a vacation? No really. We’ll miss you for the week/end you’re gone, but then maybe you’ll be less cranky when you get back. Bring me back a t-shirt, preferably black. Or, ya know, at least a pretty rock. Tarot Card: Eight of Swords – Guh, I’ll never get out of this place! Have you tried recently?
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 21)
It seems like you have quite a few challenges facing you this week. Behind door number one is doom and destruction, and door number too is a vat of acid. You cannot win Gemini, not as long as I write the horoscopes. But actually, your challenges will give you a good chance for some positive, if slightly painful learning experiences. Make sure your claws are properly sharpened before opening any unmarked doors; those are usually the ones with aggressive monsters.
Tarot Card: Seven of Cups (reversed) – So many monsters, so little XP and treasure, but I have to kill them to get to the stuff that’s worth killing.
CANCER (JUNE 22 – JULY 22)
You suddenly have a great deal of ambition this week. That hard shell of yours isn’t soft-boiled after all, at least not yet anyway. Your desire to take on new projects this week may leave you overwhelmed in the future. So make sure you’re only taking on relatively short term projects, or at least things that you know you’ll be able to finish. And if you don’t follow my advice, don’t come sidling up to me expecting a hug or moral support. I prefer my clothing not to be covered in someone else’s mucus, thanks.
Tarot Card: Nine of Cups – You ever been so satisfied, but you go for that extra piece of cheesecake anyway? Do you remember regretting that decision? Go ahead and take the cheesecake, but put it in the mini-ridge for later, otherwise it’s stuffed crab puffs for horoscope-writing Capricorn later.
LEO (JULY 23-AUGUST 22)
You’re ready to leave this stinkin’ place already and you’re going to make a noise about it, dammit. The college sucks, your classes suck, your job sucks, your girlfriend(s)/boyfriend(s) suck in a bad way and life sucks. Pout, pout, pout. Social pressures at Antioch getting you down, thinking about ending it all and moving off to bigger and better things, like OSU? Make a deal with a Capricorn, give me your stuff and I’ll sell it for 100% profit, but at least you won’t have to deal with it, or Antioch, anymore.
Tarot Card: Eight of Cups – I’m sick and tired and I’m not going to take it anymore! Don’t let the door smack you on the way out, and if it does, make sure it hits the flesh parts – it’s just more enjoyable that way.
VIRGO (AUGUST 23-SEPTEMBER 22)
Who do you think you are, a Capricorn? No one said you could try to out do anyone this week, but damned if you aren’t going to try anyway. Considering the influence of the stars and all that mystical crap I’m writing about, you may even succeed. Who knows, you could win my grudging respect at something or other. Yay, Virgo, yay.
Tarot Card: Five of Swords – Hey guys, look how many swords I can carry, can you carry this many, hey…hey guys…where are you going?
LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23-OCTOBER 22)
This term is going fast, and what have you achieved recently? Every time you try to accomplish something it seems like there’s no time for it. It’s all part of the philosophical phenomena known as Being Towards Death. Try not to get so caught up in how little time you have left and more on what you’ve already done. It will at least be some comfort until this overwhelming feeling passes.
Tarot Card: Knight of Swords – Time’s flying by, if I ride faster I might be able to catch up. *die*
SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23-NOVEMBER 21)
Scorpio has been asking me for a good horoscope for weeks. Can’t say I’ve got good news for you this week either, sorry kids. You’ve got a burden to bear and no one in sight to pawn it off on. Luckily your back seems pretty strong these days and it’s nothing you can’t handle. But don’t forget to take a break and take care of yourself every now and again. Hey, I hear they’re doing massage in Wellness now, ever considered getting a quick rub down between study sessions?
Tarot Card: Ten of Wands – All these damned lab classes I’m taking, no time for my own pleasure. My woes line up like bottles of wine on my dresser and I’ll never be able to sell these books back for anything remotely close to what I paid for them, and that God awful Capricorn keeps writing me bad horoscopes!
SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22- DECEMBER 21)
Way to go Sagittarius. This week you’ll be able to get along with people you never thought you would get along with. A little domestic harmony coming your way perhaps? That person in your hall that you’ve hated all term, you know the one, might actually make some concessions about their asshole-ishness. Not rubbing it in their face, no matter how much the Leo deserves it, won’t help you maintain this new found eased social tension. So just go with the flow and start from this week without focusing on the horrific awkwardness earlier in the term.
Tarot Card: Six of Cups – So…you wanna be my friend? But…I thought you hated me. Nah, I’m just a huge dork. Yes you are, Sagittarius.