By Amy Campbell
CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19)
That’s right, I put Capricorn on top, because we‘re all goal
driven and what not. That and I like being able to find my
horoscope easily. Capricorn, dear fellow Capricorn, please,
please, please stop working so hard. I know that laying doom
and destruction upon all your fellow classmates makes an
excellent step ladder from corpses, but slow down and stop
to enjoy the mushrooms that sprout from all the fertilizer
you’re leaving behind. Don’t get so bogged down in work
that you can’t dig your way out of it. Let’s recreate, baby.
Also, you might have had a little fun last weekend, try not
to feel guilty about it, Antioch ain’t the Catholic church,
nor is it academic purgatory (unless you‘re a fifth year).
Tarot Card for this week: The Empress – in touch
with your own nature, but more in control than subject
to it. You have a wealth of knowledge and tend to
use it for everyone’s benefit, but only if they ask for it.
AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18)
Dammit Aquarius, why can’t you get your life together? This
week might start with a surprise, hopefully it isn’t waking up
to an unexpected bed partner. Although your outlook for a
tasty fling is possible, but you may want to take a page from
Capricorn and plan for these things. You’ll be more productive
in the middle of the week than at the beginning or the end,
probably because of your hormones. Buy yourself a day planner
and stick to it. I know you’re an air sign, as crazy as that is
being a WATER-bearer, but it’s no excuse – do your homework.
Tarot Card for this week: The Moon – been distracted much?
Stop howling at the moon or those lobsters will bite your ass
and you’ll never get where you’re going. No really. Lobsters.
Big ones. I bought ten of them and I know where you live.
PISCES (FEBRUARY 19-MARCH 20)
Okay Pisces, I know you had a bad time this summer, but
get out there and meet some people! You’re a first year,
or you’re an upperclassman who hasn’t met the ass-ton of
first years on campus yet. No whining about how hard it is
to make friends. Maybe if you turn up the charm that we
all know you have you’ll make some new friends to make
up for the hard time you’ve been having with your social
life recently. Blah, blah, blah, is all I hear, stop shouting at
the paper, it cares as much as I do. You’ll thank me later.
PS: Potential cuddling, snuggling, and nuzzling
if that’s a motivator for you.
Tarot Card for this week: The Hierophant
– you’re so far away on that throne. Why don’t you
step down and join the rest of us for awhile?
ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19)
Aries, you’re such a speed demon, but this week you’ll be
slowed down a bit. Don’t worry, this is temporary and pace
will pick up again in a few days. In the meantime you should
be gathering your thoughts, maybe put that cell phone down
and go out and enjoy the weather. Try not to get too caught up
looking ahead, you’ll miss something in the present that will be
worth catching. If you get offended this week, you’re probably
over-reacting a bit. Take the time to sit down with whoever
offended you and have a <3 to <3. Chances are they didn’t mean it the way it came out, especially if it’s an overloud Capricorn. Tarot Card for this week: The Fool - You’re too busy looking up where it’ll do you no good. Take a look around and start noticing what’s going on around you and your immediate future rather than way off in space. Trust me, the next step is a doozy, you’ll need to be prepared for it, but you’re not going to know what to do if you don’t know what’s going on now. TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20) It’s all about money, and how you don’t know how to spend it properly. You’ll probably get a wad of cash from your parents and blow it on something frivolous. And you know what, that’s okay. Depending on what it is. Try to make purchases that will last, that way if you regret it later you can always Ebay it. If you haven’t picked up a FWSP or IWSP job yet, now might be the time. I hear rumor they need a couple of down to earth people in housing and the bookstore, but that’s only from a little genie who floats around campus so don’t quote me on that one. Buying a Capricorn a drink at a party is always a fruitful investment, unless they have a Virgo Ascendant. You may also seem a little homesick and stuck right now. Tough it out, it’ll get better, and if not you can always transfer next term. Tarot Card for this week: Eight of Swords - help, help, I’m being oppressed! GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 21) I was given permission by the editors to be outright mean to Gemini’s in writing my horoscopes. Unfortunately, you guys have it pretty good this week. You need to stop feeding the rumor mill though, it has enough help without you. Do us all a favor and keep your lips closed until you’re sure about what’s going on. This isn’t to say you should be social, in fact social interactions are pretty beneficial this week. Just ask for clarification rather than running around spouting stuff you don’t know anything about. Take some time to get to know a stranger, and I don’t mean in the carnal sense, unless that floats your boat. Tarot Card for this week: Two of Pentacles - what personality do I want to present to the world today and how will I get away with having multiple personalities? Get real, Gemini. No, I mean it. CANCER (JUNE 22 - JULY 22) Are we thinking about dropping out, becoming an alcoholic, changing majors (again), transferring, dropping a class, taking an academic leave? Yes, we are, Cancer. Don’t worry, I don’t think less of you. You’ve had a little help in this area. You’ve been talking to embittered fourth years again. Try not to let their opinion influence you too much. You’ll have enough trouble trying to sort out what you actually want to do, both in the near future and in your life in general. Now might not be the time to take advice from other people, unless maybe it’s your academic advisor. Remember, nobody likes a quitter, especially if you don’t give two weeks notice. Tarot Card for this week: Page of Pentacles (reversed) - things are more complicated than they appear, especially the transfer process. Think about what you really want to do before acting rashly (and about that rash…ew). LEO (JULY 23-AUGUST 22) Blah, blah, blah. Yes we all know how important you think you are, Leo. But really, once you shave off that mane you’re just another big cat…with claws…and teeth. Whatever it is you’re roaring about probably isn’t important, at least not to other people. Make sure people care if you want them to listen to you, otherwise don’t get offended when they tune you out. It’s not you, it’s just that you’re talking about something really boring. Stop it. Don’t worry though, you’ll be soaked with sun-shiny rays of positivity and joy. Try not to be too annoying to your more cynical friends. I mean, it’s good to see you in a good mood, but too much is too much. Even when the glass is half full, it still means you have to go back to the drink machines in the middle of your meal at the Caf. Try and write something, like those two papers due this week. Tarot Card for this week: The Star - Let the good times roll, but try to add to those good times rather than spilling milk. VIRGO (AUGUST 23-SEPTEMBER 22) Work, work, work. You’ll most likely be editing your paper for the third time or cleaning your room for the tenth time this term. Unfortunately, these will probably be distractions from things you actually need to be doing, like editing the Record. Try to make sure your super powers of anal retention are put towards things that actually need to be done. If you need more to do, come find me, I’ve got plenty of suggestions for things that need to be done on campus. Oh yeah, and if you wanna clean my room, I’m looking for a pool boy. Try not to forget to celebrate your birthday, and for god’s sake let someone else plan it this year. Tarot Card for this week: Nine of Cups - so much to do, I can’t pick what I should do first! Oh, I know, first I’ll arrange them by size, then shape, then color! No wait, now they’re all different heights! Enough with the OCD, ignore the vessel and just tackle the problem already. LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23-OCTOBER 22) You might want to go out and buy a black hoodie if you don’t already have one and put on your saddest, most pathetic music. That’s right, you’re going into emo-mode. Mostly you’ll just be overly reflective. I hope you’re taking Epistemology this term, at least then you’ll have an excuse for the moping. Luckily your scales will tip often enough that you’ll have some good times this week too. Tarot Card this week: Ace of Cups (reversed) - I am a fountain overflowing with joy. This happiness will never cease. SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23-NOVEMBER 21) Scorpio, get out of that dank dark hole you live in and resolve that issue with Cancer or Leo you have already. Chances are you’re being a jerk anyway and you need to apologize. I mean, I know Cancer and Leo can be annoying, but so can you. Grow a backbone before you become a squishy mess on someone’s shoe, otherwise you’ll miss out on some great opportunities, unless you enjoy being scraped off of someone’s shoe. Oh yeah, and at some point you have to leave Antioch, even if you know you‘re not ready yet. I know it’s as dark and dank as any hole and here they think it’s cool that you glow in black light, but if you don’t change holes some other Scorpion will come by and drag you out by the tail. Tell me Scorpio, if you’re flipped on your back and held down, do you have any choice but to sting yourself? Tarot Card this week: Three of Cups (reversed) - you’re having such a good time that you forgot to realize that this isn’t fun anymore! SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22- DECEMBER 21) Mood swings again Sagittarius? Maybe it’s time to take a break from Pisces and Aquarius and hang out with a more stable sign. You’ll be discussing philosophy at some point during this week, whether you recognize it or not. It seems that you’ll just need different things at different times. If something’s not working for you at the moment go do something else and come back to it. No point in stripping screws just because you’re frustrated. I recommend not putting together IKEA furniture this weekend, or ever really. Tarot Card this week: The High Priestess - something isn’t right, you just don’t know what. Try listening to that feeling and avoiding people and situations that make you uncomfortable. Next week may be better for confrontations.