Nookie with Niko

Hello. . Before I my start my over-sexed advice column I’d like to take a moment to thank Danny Solis. He took the time to post a beautifully written letter on Pulse, even after moving away and graduating. Danny was a leader in this community; it’s good to see him still involved. We need more people to set it up. I’d also like to thank those having a dialogue about it. So many people are afraid to voice their opinions now, but it’s what we’ve got to fight with. Staff, the students, faculty, and we are Antioch. It is our responsibility to preserve our college. Not to mention we are in a crucial point in our history and we have the chance to shape that. Step up, fight back, and hold on to the Antioch that the generations know and love.
20061013-nookie.jpg
Okay, okay onto the sex…

This week I bring you scary sex urban legends and rumors, and the truth behind them in celebration of Friday the 13th. As someone born on the 13th and had many wonderful birthdays on this so called unlucky day I hope to use this as a time to dispel the myth of danger that will ensue on the 13th. I understand the creepiness, but it seems to me our society perpetuates fear of Friday the 13th. Paraskevidekatriaphobics is the name for those irrationally afraid on Friday the 13th. Yeah they even have their own name. Did you know that some building even leave out a 13th floor? 13 is considered a creepy number all over. Before I get carried away though, here cum the top 8 sex urban legends!

#8
Male-bodied people getting pregnant? Ever seen the movie Junior? It’s a comedy about Arnold, California’s governor,, who gets knocked up. I’m sorry but I just don’t think he could actually handle it. This well-known hoax traveled through cyber space and fooled thousands. Thought they aren’t considerate enough to say male bodied over men. Check out www.malepregnancy.com to get the full scoop. The site is pretty convincing, but still a fake. Needless to say male bodies can’t get pregnant, yet. Maybe one day, but for now only female-bodied people can carry children.

#7
May I have your attention please! Ogling breast does NOT increase men’s life spans. An email referencing a fake article in the New England Journal of Medicine started going around in 2000. The article spoke of study that confirmed that men who ogle breast have increased life spans. Come on, couldn’t they think of a better way to make this behavior seem okay? Needless to say it wasn’t too hard to figure out it was a fake. The email can be found at: urbanlegends.about.com/library/weekly/ aa072600a.htm?once=true&

#6
I heard lots of bad ideas about different types of contraceptives, like reusing condoms. Though this one is about Mountain Dew. Yeah that super sugary Pepsi product. Apparently sugar and caffeine can keep you from getting pregnant. If that were true you would think my two cups of coffee in the morning would do the trick. The idea is that Mountain Dew decreases men’s sperm count thus making pregnancy impossible. It’s only take one sperm to get someone pregnant. This one’s been around since the 90’s. I know I heard it growing up. Millions of youth and young adults actually bought this. Here’s another blaring reason to have comprehensive sex education in high schools. But that’s a whole other rant.

#5
Another internet rumor was about getting head. A rumor popped up claiming that women who suck cock on a regular basis have lower rates of breast cancer. So basic idea is women get out there, suck a lot of cock, now! Obviously men wrote this and the breast article. Another fucked up way to justify objectifying and using women. I heard this rumor in school and different variations, such as semen is very healthy for you. When it comes to giving and getting great head the only benefits is reduced stress, pleasure, and hopefully an orgasm. Personally I think those are more than enough.

#4
Did you happen to see the fake Puma ads that came out a while ago? Check them out. This sprung up and caused quite a ruckus. Nice shoe’s, but what’s that on your leg?

#3
People love their butts. People love sticking things in their butts. Despite there being a big anal taboo, many people love to stick things in their assholes. If there is one thing I hope people will learn, it is that if you are going to put anything in your butt it MUST have a flared base. The anus will literally suck in a toy, and you’ll have no way of getting it out without going to the doctor. Despite many rumors doctors have found over 140 different objects inside people’s asses. Such as light bulbs, plantains, curling irons, baseballs, shampoo bottles, a cattle horn, a frozen pig’s tail, and a tobacco pouch. For the sick and twisted perverts, like me, who want to see the whole list go to: www.well.com/user/cynsa/newbutt.html

#2
Would you believe it if someone told you that there are actual people fighting against breast-feeding? Stating it’s an “incestual and immoral perversion.� At least a good portion of America bought this prank. Could you imagine? Seems to me we have better things to rally against, especially at Antioch.

#1
Masturbation will make you go blind or grow hair on your palms. Who hasn’t heard these rumors? For the record this is absolutely not true. Masturbation is great and healthy; everyone should do it all the time. Literally. Maybe Antioch would be a better place if people just got off more often!

See you next week!

Dude, Where’s my Speaker?

By Kim-Jenna Jurriaans and Preston Kraft

After a completely fruitless three hour trip to Heidelberg College two weeks ago, to hear a speaker who didn’t show up, because, well…. he got the email with the RIGHT date in it, these writers were ecstatic about their second bid to some off campus encounters of the scholastic kind, last Tuesday.

Our very own Hassan Nejad was approached by Clark State to monitor a discussion between students and Dan Senor, former adviser to Paul Bremmer and chief spokesman of the Coalition Provisional Authority in Iraq.

Oh boy, oh boy! This we had to see. Pictures of large auditoriums, filled with well schooled, dressed up youngsters, practicing the universal “I’m extremely interested�-mode, characterized by pensive frowning, appropriate nodding and the occasional hand on the chin, came into mind and inspired us to work on our very own repertoire of serious face expressions for the evening.

“Dress up nicely,� Nejad told his flock in Islam class who were interested in attending the formal event. On the inquiry by one of these writers whether this meant No pajamas, Nejad smiled politely, but whether he really trusted our ability to present a decent fashion sense by the next Tuesday remains uncertain. After all, this is Antioch. Nicely, therefore could consist of any outfit varying from black underwear and rollerblades to multicolored knee socks and “matching� hot pants. But this lot wasn’t one to be ashamed of. One of the attending Antiochians stole the show by swapping his usual green flannel bed wear in for a nonchalantly conservative combo in beige and red, impressing many a passer by on his short stroll from Spalt to the car. Yeah, this flock was dressed and prepared to impress.

We arrived in Springfield were we were greeted by a small Star Wars convention on the ground floor of the theatre that was housing that night’s discussion on “The Iraq war and con sequences for the Middle-East�.

But what was this? Instead of the chic auditorium we were ushered into what seemed to be an empty ballet recital room on the 2nd floor, with a video projector, a white screen and four rows of folding chairs in front of it. Not feeling extremely inspired to work on our plié talents; the slightly surprised Antioch crew went straight for the catering.

Nejad, who entered the room a couple of minutes later looked somewhat startled: “where’s the speaker?� “You are the speaker�, a blond Pi Theta Kappa woman informed him. “Well, you are the speaker to lead the afterwards discussion. The real speaker will appear on that screen over there, at precisely 7.30. You did know that this was a satellite meeting, right.� The expression on the faces of the Antioch flock answered the question, even without verbal output.

“Well, at least they have cookies!� remarked Preston Krafft, who felt that since he already pulled all his charms together for the occasion, he might as well work them on the dessert buffet. At precisely 7.30 the Antioch delegation, the majority of the audience, set straight in their chairs to witness the life broadcast from Dallas, to which several colleges throughout the country were connected.

And what a broadcast it was! In perfect liberal fashion, toes started curling up about 5 minutes into the gig, as Dan, polished, groomed and showing of his impeccable dental work, glossed over centuries of historical perspective to declare the Middle- East Problem as a result of the Arab’s defeat in the race to modernity and an animosity that, according to him has been existing for thousands of years.

“Wow�, Nejad commented as soon as the broadcast went off the air, “this is a hard act to follow. But what an act it was! This guy clearly doesn’t know what he was talking about.� He was asked to lead the discussion because of his knowledge of Islam and the Muslim world and said he was appalled by what he had just seen: “At first I wasn’t really sure about this whole thing, but now I’m actually glad that you all came. You wouldn’t see anything like this at Antioch any time soon.�

One of the Antiochians, in a vain attempt at anger management, was seen leaving the room half way through the session. “There is a reason I don’t watch Fox. But this was worse�, one of the 4th years said on his way back to the car. In a discussion session, strikingly similar to our Monday and Wednesday Islam classes, Hassan did his best to iron out some of the inaccuracies that had just been fired on the audience, in what appeared to be a 45-minute propaganda video for the invasion of Iraq.

After the meeting Preston Krafft said, “That guy was definitely a Bushbot, no doubt about it. He was just overly optimistic. He was more scary than funny.� The writers of this piece, hereby also want to point out their appreciation for Hassan’s efforts to bring some Antioch enlightenment to those less fortunate regions of Ohio.

Hassan finally proposed to take out his flock for a giant scoop of ice cream at the local ice-cream parlor. “It was like after you’ve lost the big game and your coach takes you out for ice-cream�, said 4th year Kendall Canyen. “I actually didn’t really want ice cream, but since Hassan was paying for it..� Thanks Hassan!

Students Grumble as Problems Plague IT Department

broken-laptop.jpg By Paige Clifton-Steele

The staff knows it and the students notice it: the Information Technology department at Antioch College is understaffed and under-funded. “We’ve had consistency issues. We’ve had authentication issues. And it was generally inconvenient in the beginning,� says Shea Witzberger, first year. She isn’t alone in her complaints—many Antioch users of WiFi continue to experience similar problems.

According to a June 2002 study released by the Gartner Group, a respected computer-consulting firm, one IT support person is required for every seventy Macintosh computers, or for every forty-five PCs. The Antioch Information Technology department has six people, in addition to one co-op student and the manager of the website, who lives and works out of state. When measured against the approximately 1,200 users who make up Antioch College and Antioch University McGregor, it becomes clear how disproportionate these numbers are. That’s one staff member for every two hundred users.

The implications of this are many. First year students have complained about the wireless in North Hall—mostly about problems that have since been resolved. However, students continue to lament short-term problems with wireless. “I’m glad that they’ve been so helpful with my concerns online, though.�

Several students report being better able to access support online, while their in-person requests receive less priority. Paul Deardorff, Systems Administrator, acknowledges that questions put to him in his office or the hall may fall by the wayside. “People will come up and say I’m having a problem with this, I’m having a problem with that…And to be honest with you, it’s hard to keep up. It’s much easier for us if someone were to log into the helpdesk and put a helpdesk ticket up.�

Sometimes, students and staff vary on what constitutes a problem; several students are concerned about privacy policies on First Class, while IT staff would like to handle the issue informally.

“I am concerned about privacy in my First Class Account,� says Sean Bradley, straight white male first year. “And most people’s initial passwords were logarithms of their names and some fairly consistent number…�

However, Brown differs, “I don’t know of any policy, but to be honest I don’t see the need for one because every person in the IT department very firmly believes that we don’t mess with your mail unless somebody real, real high up above asks us to.� At MacGregor, policy states that that person is the president of the school. It remains ambiguous who would have the authority to ask that of the department at the college level.

Cassie Collins, a fourth year co-oping in the department, says, “What I have seen would lead me to believe that there is not [a privacy policy regarding First Class moderation].� Asked whether she believes there is a call for one, she says yes, qualifying, “But not because anything that IT has done.�

Another problem hampering the efficiency of the department is its tendency to be pulled into audiovisual maintenance jobs that are not strictly computer related. Collins believes she has a solution: “I think just having one person to handle AV would be useful. Take a coop student, teach them all about the AV, and just have them run AV support.�

Units, in addition to North Hall, has wireless internet, while Birch and Spalt remain connected with Ethernet. Spalt residents complain of few problems with their internet, but North has suffered a series of setbacks since students arrived in September.

The IT department made changes to the North wireless network just prior to the beginning of the academic school year because of a PHD program residency, but the changes caused problems that went undetected for a few weeks. “There was a difference in firmware between the AP2000 and the AP4000,� says Tom Brown. “We couldn’t figure it out for a while because we couldn’t see a trend. We had to make the wireless open, available to everyone.�

During this time, students in North could access the wireless network without a certificate. A few weeks later, it was resecured.

Understaffing isn’t the only problem that plagues the department. On the second floor of the library is a pile of broken computers awaiting disposal. “The village won’t take them because they’re not environmentally safe to dispose of,� says Brown. Though a few of them were removed when Dylan Reiff took them for use in his show. ‘Robocalypse’ last term, Brown still stays, “I think we need to work with physical plan to make that happen. They’re piling up every time one dies.�

Asked what makes the IT department at Antioch unique than that of other schools, Deardorff says with pride that the members of the IT department have a variety of degrees and areas of expertise different from the usual computer-related studies. These range from philosophy to English.

Lunch With President Leaves Bad Taste in Student’s Mouth

By The Cooperative Council for a Non Wack Social Scene 

This past Monday I had the pleasure filled opportunity of participating in a lunch date with our distinguished president Steve “the bulldog� Lawry. This opportunity was one I did not take for granted, as up until yesterday Steve was the sort of legendary character I only found myself within spitting distance of in my dreams. I do not think it would be a stretch to describe him as elusive. I mean I never see him at community meetings, or meals, he never knocks on my door, never stops by just to say hello, not that I’m hurt or anything.

The mood of the meal was a little bit tense as first year students frothed at the bit to ask Steve questions about issues concerning their everyday realities, such as the disappearance of friends, any upcoming curricular changes, or any sort of hint as to the college’s future. I had the fortunate opportunity of getting to actually eat food two people away from Steve. Yes community, Steve Lawry eats. In fact it can be noted he likes beans, mixed with peas if anyone wants to cook him a meal to get in his good graces. I got to know him a little better as we chatted about his background, and he very diplomatically asked us about ours. Turns out Steve-o received his doctorate from the University of Wisconsin in Madison, where he enjoyed the “lively, open and diverse (campus) with much choice in terms of outlets for expression.� Second year transfer student Erin Cizeski inquired as to the difference in campus culture between such a big school as U.W., and a little Liberal Arts institution such as Antioch and Steve remarked “Everyone should be open and welcome, Sexuality is a choice, no group should dominate. Straight culture dominates, but a campus should be open. There is less conflict in a big school, everything can be taken in its embrace. At Antioch it is intensified, people feel strongly and want to challenge others, to make them uncomfortable. We need to challenge and question what is an appropriate level of discomfort; none of us have all the answers.� This statement would be contradicted later on in Steve’s formal Q & A forum, as he was often heard making empirical “I� statements in regard to his opinions on drug use and “radical identity politics� I have compiled the following list of Steve’s responses to student’s questions about the recent expulsion spree, and the subject of identity politics:

“I can’t speak to the issue� (*note to future students who plan on attending these forums; he will not speak to this issue, continuously asking the same questions with fancier wording will not fool him.)

On the subject of the well being of the expulsees:

“I have larger responsibilities to the overall campus climate. Drugs are corrosive, Marijuana deadens peoples minds� or how about :

“I am the President. I am responsible for the intellectual experience. Drug use is corrosive in my opinion, that’s the way it is.�

Steve spoke to a room of Antioch students of his vision of an idyllic Antioch student- “ An Antioch student walks a different path, asks tough and difficult questions, lives a meaningful life not a consumerist or nihilistic one. They want to contribute to the betterment of society.� As long as they don’t smoke pot, or make people uncomfortable with wild displays of deviant sexuality and identity politics, which was the sentiment I got from the comment; “Sometimes I feel there are Antioch students out there who should be here, but are intimidated by drugs, or the insistent argumentative stridency (of the student population) sends people off.�

Transfer student Preston Krafft had to say of the event “ I don’t think he communicated effectively what he wanted to about the drug policy, and the core programs. I felt what he had to say was reasonable, he just didn’t articulate it in a way a younger generation would understand. He used his stature as president as a way of garnering the final say on the topics questioned. Saying “this is the way it’s going to be, and I back this up because I am the president� would make perfect sense to someone of the baby boomer generation, but for the student population that’s a major turn off. He should have tried a more humble approach by asking for our cooperation, not demanding it.�

I apologize if this article doesn’t speak much to the actual content of the question and answer period of Monday’s forum, but unfortunately I don’t feel there is much to speak to. There was a lot of emotion in the room, people feeling like they had been wronged and wanting to have their voice heard to which there was a lot of very defensive responses from Mr. Lawry. He made it clear that his responsibility is to the college’s financial future, giving the sense that the 3rd and 4th year students are disposable and being shepherded out, where as our class is a kind of testing ground for policy and curricular change to benefit the next wave of Steve’s utopic versions of nonoffensive, drug free Antiochians.

I do feel like this luncheon was a good start to bridging the gap spoken about during the meeting between the students and the administration. The general feeling on campus is that Mr. Lawry isn’t very receptive to student voices, so I send out this plea to you community: If you have an opinion on the current state of affairs, go to Steve. He made it very clear at the end of the meeting, that we were all welcome. He urges us to stop by his office and make an appointment with Nancy Wilburn. In fact he can be quoted as saying “Everyone is welcome, and I’m always happy to meet with students.� I feel it is out civic duty to participate in the wonder that is shared governance, and if you have a problem or concern call up Nancy Wilburn, let her know Steve sent you, and schedule a meeting. Steve made us an offer, let’s hold him to it.

From The Editors

20061020-luke.jpgTo my Beloved Community,

There are several things I’d like to address in my corner this week, among them how little I had to do with the title “Bringing Censor Back�?, how much of a slacker a certain over-classman reporter has turned out to be, our new Declassified policy, and my increasing frustration with the state of our affairs; institutional, national, and international.

However, to save time, and space because we have another rather crowded paper this week, I will just talk briefly about our new Declassified policy. From here on out, we will only ‘declassify’ Haiku form poems. That means five syllables, followed by seven syllables, followed by five syllables. Some of you may be asking why we’d do something like this to you. Well, the answer is complicated.

1. I hate Declassifieds in general.
2. Most of them are not very clever.
3. The only ones to me are mean.
4. I expect more from my talented, beautiful community.
5. We need more poetry in the Record

So there you have it. Put on your thinking caps and make a subtle, sublime, structured tone poem to communicate your message. And try to cut back on the menacing and hateful speech; we’re reserving the right not to print it.

Love,
Luke C. Brennan Esq.

20061020-foster.jpgDear Community,

If you’re reading this, good. That means you’ve either already read Declassifieds or you are one of our most valued readers. Welcome. While many editors, including myself have left this portion of the newspaper until last, this week I am actually writing this days ahead of time. I actually have something to say. Any guesses?

Surprise! I want to talk briefly about the ‘DeClassifieds’ section of the Record. Great isn’t it? Indeed, as I suggested above and as we all know, many of us read declassifieds first, sometimes the only thing read at all. Fine. We can’t make you read the work people have put into the Record. However, a few points of respect would be appreciated.

Declassifieds are not news. Declassifieds are not even factual. You have no idea how many little declassifieds I’ve typed up, knowing full well that their sharp statements are entirely false. It is the Record’s job to know what is going on and inform the community. If we don’t report on it, it’s because there aren’t enough facts. If you think you’ve got a scoop, tell us and we’ll check it out. Declassifieds are not intended as a medium to stab at people behind anonymity. They are there for cute notes, crushes, thank yous and light hearted humor. It is not intended as a subversive political machine. Really. Got something to say to someone? Say it to their face. Leave them a note. Just keep the Record out of it. Everyone already knows the rumors and accusations so printing them in the Record only makes the Record accountable. The Record, as I said before, has printed absolutely false statements just to keep readers happy, but really, we have no business doing it, and neither the Record nor the greater community is gaining anything in this.

Also, flooding declassifieds with numerous, meaningless doggerel isn’t cool. It takes us time to fit all that in and it’s all fluff. Often, it’s not even witty fluff. Keep it short and have something to say, even if only to one person. And if you are addressing someone, it would be nice to let them know they were being addressed. If you are saying something not so nice, but acceptable, have the guts to put your name on or don’t submit it at all. You can always write us a letter, and opinion piece…there are lots of ways of getting our voice in the Record that actually make a difference. Do you get what I’m saying? Want declassifieds to stick around? Don’t want the paper to take shit over nothing? Don’t want the Record to get censored? Care about the community? Let’s have fun, but let’s be able to serious and thoughtful also. Think about what you’re saying, whether you really know what you’re talking about, factually and whether your putting it in the appropriate forum. In the name of respect for the community and yourself self, grow up.

Foster Neill
Layout Editor