@THE MOVIES “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”

20061013-texas.jpgw/ Peter Zimbicki

Alright, round two for the movie reviews and I really gotta start seein’ better movies. This week, thanks to a couple of friends, the movie I saw was Texas Chainsaw Massacre: the Beginning starring Jordana Brewster, Taylor Handley, Andrew Bryniarski, R. Lee Ermey, Heather Kafka and directed by Johnathan Liebesman… man we shoulda seen Open Season.

Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy lots of shitty movies, especially in terms of horror flicks, but this one’s really just not worth the drive over to the theater. The movie starts out with a nauseatingly obvious montage of I think blood, cutting up stuff, maybe some people and generic newspaper headings and dates. Not a great start but my friends and I were still optimistic. The beginning scene involved a slaughter house’s manager being killed with a hammer and it was a welcomed though sort of surprising stint of violence. Well after that, we were all psyched up for a good time, but that good time never came.

Despite the expected sexism, racism, homophobia, blah, blah, this movie still just didn’t do it. From what I can remember, the story line is the exact same as the previous crappy Texas Chainsaw, but with different crappy actors. Although The Beginning does keep you anxious for the entire 90 minute fiasco, it’s less because you’re scared for the characters and more that you’re just ready for it to be over. Now I had expected that the amount of gore might balance out the low points of the film but again I was left disappointed. Although people did get killed and beaten, it really wasn’t so cool or gross. There was a lot of indirect gore: on the walls, dripping off the table, out of focus, in the dark and not disturbing enough to make me happy. And to top it all off there was a little half a rape just to fuck it all up even more.

So to sum it all up, this movie wasn’t all that good, and not nearly bad enough to be fun. If you like boring, dumb, stupid, boring movies maybe this is the movie for you, if not you should head out today, October 13, for some John Cena butt kickin’ action!

Well until the next time, Peter Z.

I promise next time will be good.

And if anyone is planning on seeing this movie, or any other movie you should head on down I-675 to the Fairfield Commons Mall and over to the Hollywood 20. There you’ll find a huge list of real movies that you can see. Tim Hoelle and his friendly and helpful staff will assist you with all of your movie and concession needs, including hot buttered popcorn and big chocolate bars. The Regal Hollywood has all the newest hits and great dark rooms to view them in, so head on over for an escape from the real world and a trip into fun.