My comrades and compatriots, in observance of the harvest moon and the lunar eclipse, the sorcerer lizards in the highest echelons of the defense establishment have once again turned their evil eyes onto our little piece of the world, and through their operatives dismissed former President Lawry, and sent security officers to prowl his office for sensitive materials that might undermine their quest for domination. This grim harvest also involved a surprise three-day weekend for anyone involved in any attempt to prevent Antioch’s closure, allowing ample time for the shape-shifters to pilfer any useful documents from the offices of development and alumni relations.
The move by the evil elite also involved placing a former operative of the office of Homeland Security into the trifecta of terror now ruling our college under the auspicious guidance of two-time winner of faculty votes of no-confidence Chancellor Tony Murdoch. Among her lackeys, a Chief Operating Officer, whose role in the closure of the college will doubtless be pivotal, has replaced the vacant office of the president, likely providing the university’s legal council with a convenient gray area through which they can railroad their devious plans to melt Antioch into mediocrity, and prevent non-conformist thought from disseminating through the future.
From their new perch on the far side of town, the oppressive cabal jealously eyes the enthusiasm and talent of our students and faculty, and wonders why the dull-eyed McGregorites don’t stack up. The evil minds behind these plans are not visible to us, and their figureheads with whom we interact tend to be potato-munching livestock of pedestrian talent. That said I would like to offer my congratulations to L. S. for her loyalty to the reptilian cause, providing the most insipid and inept public relations the world of higher education has ever seen. It seems only natural her efforts would be rewarded by advancement in our institution. After all, the most recent Antiochian had barely more spelling errors than the Record under Foster and me. May Moloch bless spell check.
So with all the forces of the Annunanki at our gates with the fury of the barbarian horde, whither do we turn? Their grasp is expansive and their quest for power unceasing. It is the illuminati who tend the systems of oppression that Antioch has long rebelled against. We pose a threat to the continuing oppression of humankind, and for that Antioch has been sentenced to death. While a last minute stay of execution may not be impossible, be assured that our closure serves an elite agenda, and the resources that can be mobilized against us are impressive, but they are flawed. They are filled with people of run-of-the-mill vision and talent, and we can exploit that weakness by contributing to the cause in creative and unforeseen ways.
We are a shining city on a hill, a light unto the world. The forces of evil will besiege us eternally; this fight will not be won in Yellow Springs, or even on North America. Antioch will only be secure in a world were the powerful are a memory and social justice a reality. Because that lofty goal seems nigh impossible, we must be prepared to fight hard, and not expect instant results. Here a battle is being fought, and should we fail, that failure will be a failure of humanity in the face of lizards. So be ashamed to die until you’ve won, if not for humanity, for your fellow mammals.
*The illuminati corner is Satire. So take it with a grain of salt.
Image Credit: The next Renewal Plan, by Foster Neill