Dapper, Posh Partiers Get Down at Black and Tan

By the Cooperative Council for a Non-Wack Social Scene 

20061020-blackandtan1.jpgPhotos By Nicole Bayani 

I never went to prom, and I’m ok with that. More now than ever, seeing as I can someday reflect back upon last Tuesday night’s Black and Tan party and let it fill the hole in my heart left by my premature flight from my high schools hallowed halls. Would prom have served tasty Black and Tans, or been open to the kind of experimental fashion technology showcased at last Tuesday night’s party? I think not. Birch space was sauna hot and sex seeped from the dimmed ceiling lights as classily clad co-eds lubed up each others formal wear with homage’s to Dirty Dancing, and Justin Timberlake’s “Sexy Back? video. Noteworthy dance pairing Barefoot Frank and first year Bethany were seen participating in some sort twisted collegiate hippy mating ritual which involved theatrical interpretive dance, and the little mermaid. I personally am seeking counseling to help expedite the healing process, as Coolio once wisely sung “Too hot. Too hot baby.?

The fashion bar was raised, as Antioch students busted out their Sunday best. Some memorable America’s Next Top Model hopefuls were fourth-year Kendlin, who looked something like an empowered Stepford Wife in vintage red and white skirt-suit, Whitney Stark filling in my prom queen fantasies in vintage homecoming court couture later remarked of the event “ The Party was sloppy.? Morgan Realegaño appeared incognito for the evening, first as an awkward bearded fat man, and later as Megan Homewood. Contrary to Relegaño’s repeated claims, Luke Brennan appeared quite dapper, not at all a “two-bit man in a one-bit suit?. Lauren Hind, in awards show host fashion was spotted in no less than 3 different outfits, when she wasn’t sprinting up and down the stairs from the commons to her dorm room for fashion rehab, she was spotted dancing fervently with Mariel Traiman, who really enjoyed it by the way… to bad Lauren had to cut the party short to go have a conversation with a toilet bowl.

First years were out in droves, and out to impress- Shea Witzo looked remarkable, and made an amicable dance partner with her assertive gyrations. Emma Emmerich looked wicked hot in polka dots as she was spotted dancing up a storm with Daniel McCurdy, who dressed as Rod Stewart for the event. Kelly Ahrens was quoted as saying of the night “It lead to interesting events…? with a distant and nostalgic look in her eyes, where as Jayne had a different and uplifting spin on the evening “ I was happy, it was good and healing. Lots of people together can be good.? I want to send out the following PSA inspired by a first year student who wished to remain anonymous who confided the following to me: “I don’t know if I can handle the pressure, I didn’t know I’d need so many outfits, I think I have to transfer to a regular school.? Don’t worry kids- if all else fails, just wear your unders.

Black and Tan raised the bar for dance theatrics, leaving eyebrows quirked and gossipy drunken text messages scrawled across LCD screens. Marissa Fisher wanted to voice the following plea to the community “A little less ‘Cowabunga’ a little more chumbawumba.? And 2nd year transfer Mariel Traiman wished to send out an apology. “ I may have been a little out of hand… you see my hips don’t lie. There were some gratuitous levels of dance floor near fucking that maybe weren’t in the best taste, I guess I watched too many Prince videos when I was a kid… fuck it. I had a great time, I got to make out.? Her dance partner for the evening Erin Cisewski had a different, more wholesome take on things
“The best part of the evening was when I turned around and all of a sudden Ryan Clover-Owens just appeared, we started spinning and dancing, it was so fun. I cringe to think how many people were dancing barefoot in my spilled Gin and Tonic. I promise next time Mariel and I will have practiced our Johnny Castle, and Baby moves a little more before the party. I was going to transfer, but now after partying in Birch space, I have something to look forward to for the next three years.? On a more serious note Lauren Hind wished to express the following: “Whoever kicked down my bathroom stall door will be trampled by the hooves of 1,000 horses. Prepare to run or get out your screwdriver and fix it!!?

An interesting component of the night’s goings on was the cage match competitive crowning of “Best Dressed?. The award went to a denim clad mystery woman who looked remarkably like our own Wendy- Lynn Zeldin, who was tragically M.I.A. for the evening. I’d like to use this venue to write a poem to said mystery woman:

Though I don’t know your name, political leanings, or dietary concerns- I know that the sight of you in that smokin’ jumpsuit has turned this jaded cynic into an art critic, baby you’re fine like the lite-brite sunsets my fumbling fingers could never replicate. When global temperature rises, I’ll know it’s not greenhouse gasses but your ass… assets that is, because you remind me of fresh greens, roller derby queens, rompin’ through corn fields, and hazy mid-western days when you know every things going to be ok… want to split a bottle of wine and talk love sometime?

Black and Tan… That was more like it, shout out to the events crew for once again turning fantasy into reality by creating a venue for droves of awkward Antiochians to seizure slide across a dance floor of broken dreams, and new hope resurrected. If we get nothing else from our college career we will always have the pulse pounding flirtation ritual that is an Antioch dance party. When your eyes meet across that crowded floor, and lips get bit, winks get exchanged and futures get written in the stars, you know you are truly alive. When hydration is provided by tasty (and well mixed, thanks Kelly!) gin and tonics which strip you of your inhibitions, and create endless avenues of self expression and opportunities for assof- one-self making… you know you have a purpose, and that purpose is- to dance, or find someone to make out with, whatever your into. I’d like to end this weeks article with a personal anecdote; about 3 years ago, this reporter braved the highways between Colorado and Ohio with thumb out optimism, and a head full of tales of the wonders of Antioch to visit a friend. I arrived and was invited to attend a pajama party. I went dressed modestly in pajama pants, and hiking boots and was immediately met with sensory overload. Everywhere I looked there were scantily clad strangers dancing with uninhibited and awe inspiring passion, I could only stare awkwardly and wonder if I could ever be a part of such a wild, and undiluted community of beautiful wack-job individuals- and now here I am, and I can only hope my ample ass shaking will someday inspire some cute young wallflower to grab life by the ovaries and remember- there is nothing to be shy about. Yeah Antioch community, keep on keeping on. Ya’ll are hot.20061020-blackandtan3.jpg