Ruggers Steal Hearts, Ball

By Lauren Hind and Mariel Traiman


In typical Antioch fashion, the Antioch Radicals, who needed to take extra time to put out their cigarettes and remove a large assortment of body piercings, delayed Saturday’s rugby game. Lookers on were met with a veritable symphony of “could someone put tape over my nipples?? and “is it ok if my cunt is pierced?? While the Cincinnati Women’s team were busy French braiding each other’s hair and running drills, the Antioch women’s rugby team were still learning to pass the ball without “rainbowing it.?

This rag tag group of underdogs makes up for in style with what they lack in actual athletic skill. Don’t let the ponytails and mismatched knee socks fool you, these bitches can fight. Coach Jeanette has been pulling out a closet full of training techniques the likes of which have not been seen since Rodney Dangerfield coached the Ladybugs. This year’s roster includes a plethora of first time ruggers; Wendy-Lynn Zeldin, Alyssa Kutil, Mariel Traiman, Patrice Wyman, Clara Lee, Anne Fletcher, Chelsea Martens, Meredith Root, and Katie Archer, who in Saturdays game braved a serious knee injury. Returning ruggers that are helping to teach from their experience and intimidate the newbies into rugby greatness include Antoinette Chensee, Ebonie Miles, Jennifer Switlick, Jelesia Clyburn, Lauren Hind, and Laura Kopp.

A typical practice consists of the Radicals running up and down the field looking somewhat reminiscent of lost four year olds in a crowded amusement park. They can also be seen running full speed into each other using an assortment of techniques to knock each other mercilessly to the ground. Folklore permeates the team as the women encourage each other to “watch the kitty,? a rugby term for the spot right below the belly button and above the ‘cooch’. Never before have we seen a group of dykes so reticent to bury their faces in each other’s crotches. “It really is a lot scarier when you’re running at it full speed…and it’s harder to ask for consent!? says one team member.

We, the reporters are convinced this game was created by a group of drunk sexually repressed homosexuals who needed an excuse to touch each other, and being to scared to outwardly ask for consent, created a system of running, tackling, and crotch grabbing and named it rugby. The scrum, for example, consists of nine, sweaty, hard-bodied athletes, who alternate between putting hands down each other’s shorts and wedging their heads between the thighs of their teammates. Before the game can start, the referee inspects the fingernails of the players making sure they are regulation length…meaning short enough to not cause any pain. After the games, you can find ruggers chanting about pussy and engaging in binge drinking in between nursing their injuries.

It is common thought that after a strenuous training period which will probably involve many montages of the Radicals being whipped into shape, and coming together as a team to overcome anonymously evil adversaries they will pull out some form of wacky trick play which will be used to defeat their opponents. This defeat will serve to unite the Antioch student population who will be inspired to overthrow the current administration and prove once and for all they truly are the Antioch Radicals. So in closing we urge you to come out and watch these star athletes in training play, we promise sweat, blood, humility, and hilarity.