By Jeanne-Kay

Research: Brian Springer, Kathryn Leahey, Jeanne Kay

Prelude: The Discourse of Toxicity

“Toxic Culture.” Steve Lawry’s infamous phrase is now part of the vocabulary of virtually all Antiochians. The year before the Antioch University Board of Trustees (UBoT) resolved to close the college, the key political issue on campus and the polemic that reached alumni revolved around the question of Toxic Culture–whether there was one, how it manifested itself, how to fix it or how to debunk its myth.

To alumni whose only contact with the community in years had been filtered through Media and University intermediaries, “toxic culture” meant a steady decline in academic excellence and increased political narrowness from their time at Antioch onwards; to conservative reporters, “toxic culture” came to be the perfect excuse to write diatribes against political correctness at liberal arts colleges; and to many observers “toxic culture” was a perfect shortcut to explaining how Antioch College had found itself in such an incomprehensibly dire situation: Antioch students were narrow-minded, unstable, out of control–they chased away new students, driving down retention and preventing Antioch from achieving financial stability. The toxic culture narrative made sense–and it was useful.

My comrades and compatriots, in observance of the harvest moon and the lunar eclipse, the sorcerer lizards in the highest echelons of the defense establishment have once again turned their evil eyes onto our little piece of the world, and through their operatives dismissed former President Lawry, and sent security officers to prowl his office for sensitive materials that might undermine their quest for domination. This grim harvest also involved a surprise three-day weekend for anyone involved in any attempt to prevent Antioch?s closure, allowing ample time for the shape-shifters to pilfer any useful documents from the offices of development and alumni relations.

By Levi B. Cowperthwaite

The first time my sweetheart and I shared a dance was during a party in the romance-inspiring Dance Space. The music was blaring, the bodies were sweaty and spinning, and my now-sweetheart and I were dancing with a respectable, torturous distance between us when she leaned in close and whispered in my ear, ?Can I grind with you?? My libido?s response?: Oh. Hell. Yes. We didn?t start dating until almost a year later, and she was actually probably yelling (rather than whispering) to be heard over the music, but it was such a sexy, sweet moment (and satisfying dance), that when I think of it today, I feel everything I was feeling in that moment: sexy, desirable, giddy, hot.

By request, a very special Horoscope for this week?s edition of the Record. Ladies, Gentleman, and Gender-Neutral or Othered persons, I bring you?Horrorscopes. Yes, I predict your death for my general amusement and your torment. Just try not to die this week; I?d rather not get sued.

Heart Heart, Amy Campbell, Horrorscope writer and mysterious mystic – haunting Main Building since Summer 2005.

*Please note that this week?s horoscopes are completely satire and I hold no malice towards anyone, nor am I plotting or actually predicting anyone?s death. Anyone who dies under such circumstances does so completely by coincidence, and not through my actions of writing a horoscope.

CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19)

Life is a bitter pill to swallow, good thing death also comes in convenient pill sized form as well. Have you considered hemlock? I hear all the cool kids are doing it.

Tarot Card: Five of Cups – Suicide via imbibing or consuming of liquids or pills. You may be so incompetent that it?s an accidental suicide where you?ve participated in reckless behavior that you damned well know would get you killed.

AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18)

Surprise!!! You?re dead!!! Your death will be totally random and quite unexpected. ComCil might have something to do with it, and it will probably be a totally arbitrary decision. Don?t blame me when someone stabs you with a protractor. You probably deserved it.