By Foster Neill

“THEY’RE MORE LIKE BAD FORTUNE COOKIES, REALLY.”

ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 20)
It’s the end of the term so you’re confused. After all, you’re not always the
best at recognizing what’s bothering you. It’s finals, not your friends. If you
stick to your work and you’ll be free from stress and able to enjoy the company
of your friends before you leave.

TAURUS (APRIL 21 – MAY 21)
Steady work could earn you time for a surprise date. Hope it’s your course
work instead of your FWSP job that’s keeping you so busy.

CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19)

Feeling a little sentimental these days, Capricorn? Maybe wondering whether or not you’re in love? Do you feel like you’ve met the love of your life, and that person makes your heart skip a beat? Oh Capricorn, get your head out of the clouds and your feet back on the ground. Love is a great thing, but can you really handle with the heartbreak right now? There’s time for love later in your life, besides, we know you secretly make out with your senior project. I mean, I know I do…not…er…

Tarot Card: Two of Cups – I want to share the rest of my life with you and only you!!! Slow down Capricorn, you have a tendency to try and move to the next level before it’s time.

AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18)

I can see clearly now, the rain of squirrels pelting me with nuts is gone. Hey Aquarius, all those problems you thought you had, those weren’t so bad now were they? Didn’t I tell you life would be okay? So your cat died this week, but maybe you’ve got a special someone in your life, and if they aren’t special yet maybe they will be. Try not to focus on the dark times in the past, look towards the potentially blindingly bright ones in the future.

Tarot Card: Six of Swords – Back in my day we had to swim through eel-infested waters and fight off ginormous rats, why are you complaining about a twohour ride in a leaky boat?

By request, a very special Horoscope for this week’s edition of the Record. Ladies, Gentleman, and Gender-Neutral or Othered persons, I bring you…Horrorscopes. Yes, I predict your death for my general amusement and your torment. Just try not to die this week; I’d rather not get sued.

Heart Heart, Amy Campbell, Horrorscope writer and mysterious mystic – haunting Main Building since Summer 2005.

*Please note that this week’s horoscopes are completely satire and I hold no malice towards anyone, nor am I plotting or actually predicting anyone’s death. Anyone who dies under such circumstances does so completely by coincidence, and not through my actions of writing a horoscope.

CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19)

Life is a bitter pill to swallow, good thing death also comes in convenient pill sized form as well. Have you considered hemlock? I hear all the cool kids are doing it.

Tarot Card: Five of Cups – Suicide via imbibing or consuming of liquids or pills. You may be so incompetent that it’s an accidental suicide where you’ve participated in reckless behavior that you damned well know would get you killed.

AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18)

Surprise!!! You’re dead!!! Your death will be totally random and quite unexpected. ComCil might have something to do with it, and it will probably be a totally arbitrary decision. Don’t blame me when someone stabs you with a protractor. You probably deserved it.

By Amy Campbell

CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19)
That’s right, I put Capricorn on top, because we‘re all goal
driven and what not. That and I like being able to find my
horoscope easily. Capricorn, dear fellow Capricorn, please,
please, please stop working so hard. I know that laying doom
and destruction upon all your fellow classmates makes an
excellent step ladder from corpses, but slow down and stop
to enjoy the mushrooms that sprout from all the fertilizer
you’re leaving behind. Don’t get so bogged down in work
that you can’t dig your way out of it. Let’s recreate, baby.
Also, you might have had a little fun last weekend, try not
to feel guilty about it, Antioch ain’t the Catholic church,
nor is it academic purgatory (unless you‘re a fifth year).
Tarot Card for this week: The Empress – in touch
with your own nature, but more in control than subject
to it. You have a wealth of knowledge and tend to
use it for everyone’s benefit, but only if they ask for it.